There are plenty of expert-approved tools for managing anxiety—deep breathing, mindless distractions, fact-checking your more catastrophic thoughts. And many of them do genuinely help.
Still, “there’s no one-size-fits-all approach,” Lauren Cook, PhD, clinical psychologist and author of Generation Anxiety: A Millennial and Gen Z Guide to Staying Afloat in an Uncertain World, tells SELF. “Meaning we [as providers] have to look at what works well for the individual and get creative in trying different options.”
That means finding coping mechanisms that work not just in moments of crises, but that reduce overall anxiety in the long run too. In fact, certain habits that might seem helpful only reinforce anxious thought loops over time.
Below, psychologists who specialize in anxiety break down the most common “fixes” that tend to backfire—and more effective ways to calm yourself instead.
1. You cancel plans.
It’s tempting to stay home when anxiety kicks in—and sometimes, that is the right move. You shouldn’t force yourself into situations that feel truly overwhelming, whether it’s a first date you’re dreading or an overstimulating concert with loud music and sweaty bodies.
That said, making it a habit to skip plans can actually worsen your symptoms. “It often gets framed as self-care, but this is a classic form of avoidance,” Dr. Cook says. By repeatedly dodging events that are only mildly uncomfortable—like calling in “sick” before every big meeting or rescheduling a dentist appointment over and over—your brain learns that running away is the solution.
What to do instead: Before automatically saying no (or ghosting the group chat), Dr. Cook encourages you to pause and ask: “If I went to this, would I feel proud of myself?” Maybe giving that bridesmaid speech in front of hundreds of people sounds terrifying right now—but once you’re up there, seeing your friend’s happy face will make it worthwhile.
Another useful gut check that Dr. Cook recommends? Rate your anxiety on a scale of 1 to 10. A 4, 5, or 6 is stressful but often manageable, she says, whereas a 7, 8, or 9 may be stronger indicators to take a step back. The goal isn’t to push through everything, but to learn the difference between discomfort you can grow from and distress you shouldn’t ignore.
2. You resort to the internet (or ChatGPT) for answers.
When you’re overthinking, it’s tempting to “solve” things instantly by Googling suspicious symptoms or asking ChatGPT to decode a vague text from your situationship. As instinctive as this coping mechanism is, though, “this is a classic reinforcer of anxiety that makes people even more hypervigilant,” Dr. Cook says. What you’re really doing is giving yourself a false sense of control and feeding into worst-case scenarios.
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