My friend said that dialing into this approach allowed her to view friendship as ever-evolving, rather than fixed or rigid. I used to see friendship as an all-in or all-out affair; you were either a ride-or-die friend who had to give me everything, or you were nothing to me. The friendship shelf theory has helped me to understand that’s not a realistic—or healthy—way of looking at friends. You can have all types of successful friendships, you just have to adjust your expectations and what you’re willing to give in return based on individual relationships.
Other perks of the friendship shelf theory
Another benefit is that you stop overlooking toxicity and bad behavior, health and wellness coach Meghan Mitchell, M.Div, NBC-HWC, lead course instructor, Headspace Training Institute coach manager, tells SELF: “It becomes easier to recognize when a relationship constantly drains you, crosses boundaries, or leaves you feeling diminished.”
Critics may argue this tool could lead to a tendency to shut people off too quickly. It may, however, result in the opposite. For some, this mentality “offers a gentle structure for understanding relational dynamics without needing dramatic cutoffs or confrontations,” explains Mitchell. I have never believed friendships are disposable or interchangeable. In fact, sometimes I’ve held on too tightly and fought too hard when I shouldn’t have. This theory allows me to view my friendships through a healthier lens where I can step back and, when needed, let go. This frees me up to prioritize both myself and the friends who are reciprocal in their time, effort, and energy.
It’s therefore key to implement the friendship shelf theory in the right way. “This works best when it’s used as a self-awareness tool, not a value judgment,” says Mitchell. “It isn’t about ranking people by importance or worth. It’s about recognizing that different relationships carry different emotional and energetic realities. Used gently, this framework helps you align your expectations with what each relationship can realistically offer. That alignment actually creates more compassion because you stop expecting people to show up in ways they’re not able to, and you stop overextending yourself in return.”
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