It’s not always the big, dramatic fights that destabilize you. Sometimes, small arguments send you into a spiral of overthinking. A friend calls out your flakiness, and suddenly, you’re convinced they hate you…or maybe they’ve always hated you. You bicker with your partner over dirty dishes, and hours later you’re still dissecting their tone and bracing for a breakup.
More often than not, this overreaction, known as catastrophizing, has less to do with what petty thing you’re disagreeing about and more with how your nervous system interprets conflict, according to the therapists we spoke with. Jumping to conclusions can be your brain’s way of protecting you from being blindsided, but it’s also a natural response when you’re worried about hurting a person you care deeply about, whether it’s a friend, family member, or date with long-term potential.
“Connection equals safety for humans, so even a small rupture can feel like your safety is threatened,” Chloe Bean, LMFT, a licensed somatic trauma therapist based in Los Angeles, tells SELF. “Your mind jumps from the present stressor to the worst possible future outcomes.” We disagreed becomes I might lose this relationship. We argued turns into Our friendship is over.
While that mental leap is, to some extent, normal, “the problem with catastrophizing over small things is that it creates anxiety in the present to protect against a future that may never happen,” Bean says, draining you of your time and mental energy. To understand how to let go of the trivial stuff, it helps to know why you’re doing this. Here are the most common reasons, according to therapists.
1. Old attachment wounds
“If you find yourself spiraling into anxiety after a small argument, this can point to early attachment wounding,” Natalie Moore, LMFT, owner of Space for Growth Therapy & Coaching based in Los Angeles, tells SELF. Put simply, an attachment wound forms when your early needs for safety and reassurance weren’t met by your parents or caregivers. Maybe as a kid, you were shamed for vocalizing what made you uncomfortable. Or your parents’ fights frequently turned into volatile shouting matches.
Meanwhile, “people who are comfortable with conflict grew up in homes where disagreements were treated as a normal, healthy part of life,” Moore explains. It was generally understood that you’re not going to get along with your loved ones 24/7 (which is okay), or that you don’t have to be constantly agreeable to be loved: Conflict is simply what happens in emotionally fulfilling, close relationships.
2. Abandonment trauma
In many cases, this doom-thinking isn’t about what just happened—it may be about what happened before. “A minor disagreement can tap into earlier experiences of being rejected or misunderstood,” Bean explains. Maybe in your previous relationship, your partner ended things after the first (and last) tiff—or a friend ghosted suddenly after you called out an inconsiderate comment. “It’s common for someone who spirals to have experienced unpredictable or abrupt relationship endings in the past,” she says, which explains why they would immediately associate any source of tension with abandonment.
3. The need for control
By nature, arguments introduce a certain degree of uncertainty. Even when someone insists something is fine, it doesn’t stop you from worrying: “Are they actually upset?” “Did I just change how they see me?” “Is this the beginning of them pulling away?”
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