As a result, old dynamics may bubble up, causing you to behave in an immature way—especially if your family is still dealing with unresolved conflict, Hager says. For example, you might want to cry if, after all these years, it still feels like your older sister, the golden child, gets preferential treatment. Or you might snap at your mom when she makes a comment about dieting, despite knowing that you struggled with your body image your whole life.
There are other factors that can cause you to backpedal emotionally too, Oliver-Gans adds. Your parents might treat you like a child, or your siblings might tease you in a way that targets your long-lasting insecurities only they know about. These interactions carry a lot of weight and history, he explains, so of course they can set you off.
How to stay calm-ish when you start reverting back to your high school self
Plan to take little breaks throughout your time together.
During your visit, it’s crucial to get some space from your family. It might seem unnatural at first, especially if you’re accustomed to being with these people 24/7 when you’re together, but stepping away can help you cool down and put things in perspective if you’re on edge, Hager says. Getting out will also remind you that you’re an adult who has control over your time and environment, Oliver-Gans adds.
So go for a walk, jog, or bike ride. If you have a car or access to public transportation, check out a nearby coffee shop, park, or boutique. If you can’t physically leave, find ways to squeeze in micro-breaks at home—go to the bathroom even if you don’t need to, fake a nap, or do a household chore that can take your mind off, say, your mom’s incessant critiques.
Another tip from Hager: A few days before your plans, give your fam a heads up that you’re going to step out for an hour or two to run in the park or stop by a shop you’ve been wanting to check out. That way, you’ll have a boundary in place before you meet up, and your relatives will be less likely to question why you’re leaving when you excuse yourself, Hager says.
Tap into your senses when you start to feel agitated.
If, for example, you’re setting the table for dinner and your aunt says something passive-aggressive about your dating life because, well, that’s what she’s always done, that’s a good time to practice a quick grounding technique. These mindfulness exercises can interrupt your anxious thoughts and help you feel calmer when you’re overwhelmed.
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