Turning toward a tend-and-befriend response starts with figuring out how and when you’re falling into fight-or-flight (and whether there might be triggers you need to work through) as well as deepening your social circle. While that might include making more friends, there’s also plenty you can do to bolster the connections you have, so it feels more comfortable and intuitive to reach out during stressful times.
1. Figure out your current stress response.
You have to know how you naturally react to stress in order to intervene in that process. It’s key to know whether you’re a fighter, fleer, or freezer, Usatynski says. The tricky thing is, “these patterns are often unfolding below our conscious awareness,” she says. If you’re unsure what you tend to do in a tense situation, she suggests enlisting a few loved ones to figure it out. For instance, you might ask them, “How do I come across when I’m under threat? Do I get big and scary? Do I withdraw? Or, do I just shut down and walk out of the room?” You can encourage them to be gentle—but honest—in their responses, as it’s a sensitive subject. But in general, the more aware you are of your stress tendencies, the better equipped you’ll be to shift those behaviors.
2. Have some de-escalating strategies handy for panicky moments.
In the midst of a fight-or-flight response, you won’t have all your wits about you—so it can be tough to even think about phoning a friend. Here’s where you want to have a few grounding strategies in your back pocket. Dr. Manly recommends mindfulness tools, like deep, diaphragmatic breathing or a simple 5-4-3-2-1 practice (where you identify five things you can see, four things you can touch, three things you can hear, two things you can smell, and one thing you can taste) to help you swiftly self-regulate a bit.
Dr. Daramus suggests flipping on what she calls a step-down playlist, which starts with songs that will match your fearful or distressed or angry vibe, and then slowly transitions song-by-song to the calm or happy energy you want. (It’s great to compile it when you’re not mid-freakout so you can just turn it on the next time stress reigns.)
Any of these simple soothing techniques can bring you back down to a place of sound judgement, from which it may feel more instinctive to tend and befriend.
3. Infuse your relationships with bursts of positivity.
As Usatynski puts it, our brains are “exquisitely sensitive” to anything we find threatening in our environment—and that includes the little riffs in our relationships. Even if it’s just a weird look or a response to something mundane that feels off, we often cling to these negative bits and can wind up feeling less at ease with our loved ones as a result.
It’s the reason Usatynski recommends creating frequent “corrective experiences”—or positive moments of engagement with the people you love—to “diffuse your brain’s threat response system and make you feel completely safe with them.” That means handing out praise liberally and finding ways to show your appreciation for them and make their day a little brighter. These interactions can certainly be digital, but it’s even better if they’re IRL. Usatynski emphasizes that we need proximity—face-to-face, eye-to-eye contact—with flesh-and-blood humans to make our brains feel comfortable with them. Only when you have this underlying current of positivity and safety in a relationship will you feel confident that, “yes, this is a person I can rely on, they know how I tick, and they will be able to make me feel better when I’m down,” Usatynski says.
4. Track the emotional states of your loved ones more closely.
It’s helpful to really tune in to how your close friends and family members are doing on a day-to-day basis, Usatynski says. Much like a good parent is keenly aware of a young child’s mental state, when they might be flustered, and what would soothe them, having some recognition of when a friend or partner is stressed out can make tending to them more intuitive and connective.
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