As someone who’s been called “too sensitive” more times than I can count, I get that attempting to learn how to not take things personally can feel about as possible as trying to “just relax” or “stop overthinking.” (What else am I supposed to assume when a friend leaves my last three texts on delivered—meanwhile they’re actively posting on Instagram? How does it not say something about my apartment when my partner prefers to sleep at their own place instead of mine?)
It’s normal to be annoyed, hurt, or even suspicious when you don’t really know the true intentions behind a person’s words or actions. But you should be able to move on from these moments, Geoffrey Gold, PhD, New York City-based psychologist at Therapists of New York, tells SELF—or at least talk it out. Taking it personally, on the other hand, means you’re internalizing words or actions as hard truth, whether that’s They must hate my new haircut or I’m not good enough.
Your brain can spin these unhelpful, mean stories for all kinds of reasons. While some people are naturally blessed with an “IDGAF” mindset, factors like low self-esteem, perfectionism, and anxiety can make it hard to shake off the small stuff, Dr. Gold explains. However, this self-destructive habit of reading too much into things is definitely worth addressing, because over time, it’s bound to crush your confidence, waste your time, and sabotage your relationships. With a little effort and the expert tips below, you can slowly break that cycle of defensiveness—and in turn, protect your peace of mind.
1. Check your own biases before jumping to conclusions.
Sometimes, those knee-jerk instincts to go on the offense are more about your own perception vs. the actual reality of a situation, Pavan Basra, LMFT, a Los Angeles-based therapist specializing in relationships, tells SELF. Maybe two of your buddies hung out without you—but you’re convinced they hate you because your former toxic circle always excluded you. Or it hits especially hard that a Tinder match didn’t respond to your DM, probably since you were just unexpectedly dumped a few weeks ago.
According to Basra, recognizing that your defensiveness may be rooted in past experiences—not the present moment—can be a solid first step toward interrupting the spiral and rethink whether you’re truly being targeted.
2. Ask before you assume.
When something feels off, don’t just jump straight into mind-reading mode. You’ll save yourself a whole lot of energy (and mental gymnastics) by simply asking for clarity, Basra says. Dr. Gold recommends keeping it casual with phrases like: “Hey, what did you mean by that comment?”; “I noticed we haven’t talked much this week. Is everything okay?”; or “That hangout looked so fun—just curious, can I ask why I wasn’t invited?”
Basra notes that this approach works best with people you’re close enough to actually have a conversation with (so, maybe not a random stranger who cut you off in traffic). Most of the time, someone’s response will give you much-needed reassurance to quiet anxious thoughts—or confirm they didn’t intend to hurt you. Worst case, if the situation in question does turn out to be personal? At least you know for sure—and can address it directly rather than battling a “problem” that never existed.
3. Get busy.
It’s easy to get caught up in worst-case scenarios when you’ve got too much time on your hands. (Wait, do they usually text this slowly? Huh, maybe they are mad at me.) Before you know it, you’re overanalyzing that “K” text or replaying an awkward run-in at the gym over and over.
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