When the person who wronged you doesn’t seem to face any consequences, holding a grudge can feel like the only way to restore some sort of justice. Sure, they may be completely oblivious to the unresolved tension and bitterness brewing deep inside you, but still: There’s something oddly satisfying about ensuring they haven’t gotten off scot-free (even if it’s only in your head).
Whether or not you think grudges are petty, they’re something lots of people can relate to, according to Janet Bayramyan, LCSW, a psychotherapist based in Los Angeles. “For some, it’s a way to validate emotions, as if by staying angry, you’re making sure the wrong is recognized,” Bayramyan tells SELF, which explains why letting go of a grudge can feel as if you’re downplaying that pain. But the reality is, carrying resentment isn’t actually punishing them—nor is it helping you. According to Bayramyan, whipping up revenge fantasies will only drain your mental energy and fill you with frustration and bitterness—valid reasons why it’s in your best interest to break free from the negativity.
That said, moving on doesn’t mean you have to be the “bigger person” or pretend things are fine when they’re not—and these expert tips can help you realistically put it behind you in a way that doesn’t minimize your pain or their actions.
1. Validate your emotions without judgment.
We’re not going to tell you to just “forgive” and embrace positive vibes when you’re seething over a manipulative ex who cheated on you, the bully who made your high school years a living hell, or the coworker who sabotaged your promotion.
“It’s more than okay to be hurt or angry,” Bayramyan says. So instead of denying your bad blood altogether or pushing the pain aside (which will only feed your grudge), start with acknowledging “This upset me, and that’s okay,” or whatever’s true for you. Naming how you feel can help you understand your emotions better, she adds—a powerful first step in letting go and learning to heal.
2. Interrupt your emotional response with a distraction.
Certain triggers can awaken your grudge and the rage, jealousy, or judgment that comes with it. You ran into your ex’s friend group at a bar. Someone mentioned their name in a passing conversation. Their LinkedIn profile was recommended in your notifications—all inconvenient reminders of why you can’t stand them.
For those moments out of your control, both experts recommend having a game plan to redirect your energy, ideally into something that soothes and distracts you. “Physical activities like exercising or cleaning can burn off the adrenaline that fuels your anger,” Alicia Hodge, PsyD, a licensed clinical psychologist based in Washington, DC, and adjunct professor at The Chicago School of Professional Psychology, tells SELF. Creative outlets like drawing, crafting, or writing can also be “a constructive way to process your emotions.”
The key, Dr. Hodge says, is to find a hobby that requires you to use your mind and body. By the time you’re done, you’ll hopefully have interrupted the resentment spiral instead of staying stuck in it.
3. Write a closure letter (but don’t send it).
One of the best ways to get all-consuming anger, disappointment, and bitterness out of your head, according to both experts, is by transferring them onto paper. “Writing your true thoughts and feelings, as if you were speaking to the person, can surprisingly bring clarity,” Dr. Hodge says. It’s your chance to express everything you’ve been holding in—without the stress of an actual, IRL confrontation. (Which is why it’s not a smart idea to send the letter, unless you’re prepared for drama.)
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