The important part, Dr. Jensen says, is that you should convey something that shows your core values. His go-to, for example, is telling people that he moved from Europe to the US with nothing but a backpack. “Now I’m married to a wonderful woman here, I have a little son, and I love my life,” he says. “I use it to illustrate something about me, which I think is that I am a courageous person.” Dr. Jensen notes that he’ll also try to inject some humor and vulnerability into the tale, two things that can help a listener be more engaged with your story. For example, he’ll share that the A/C in his new hometown, Phoenix, was broken upon arrival in 100-degree weather, and he’ll pose questions along the way (e.g. things as simple as, “Guess what happened next?”), while emphasizing the entertaining parts for dramatic effect.
Lean on the kind of charisma that best suits your strengths.
Sure, people who have je ne sais quoi naturally draw you in—but if you put two charming folks in the same room, the way they act will be worlds apart. “The question is what kind of charisma works best for you, your personality, your brain,” Olivia Fox Cabane, author of The Charisma Myth, tells SELF. “It’s really a question of finding the secret sauce of what will make you shine and understanding that charisma is actually less about how people feel about you and more how you make them feel about themselves.”
She likes to separate a person’s charisma type into three categories: power, warmth, or, presence. For example, she says, those who exude power could probably take charge and quickly get a bunch of people out of a burning building if needed. Individuals who lead with warmth, on the other hand, might be incredibly empathetic, Cabane adds, giving the Dalai Lama as an example. A person who’s really present, she notes, will make a 30-second interaction feel really deep and meaningful. “Bill Clinton was famous for that,” she explains. “He would make you feel like you were the only person in existence.”
Here’s how to know which one you fit into: “When you’re interacting with people, is it easy for you to stay focused on what they’re saying throughout the conversation?” Cabane asks. “That’s high presence, because most brains have a tendency to wander from the conversation.” (So, in this case, really leaning into others’ stories, as opposed to giving out a bunch of yours, might be ideal.) If you’re someone who’s naturally self-confident, that’s power, Cabane says. If that feels like the right fit, maybe you can *really* refine your personal story because you’re likely to capture people’s attention quickly. And “if you tend to be naturally compassionate and empathetic, that’s warmth,” she adds. So for example, if you’d like to ooze that type of charisma, maybe you identify sensitive parts in the conversation and respond with genuine emotion.
Prime yourself to be more confident.
As Cabane explains, there are a few things you can do right before a gathering that can make you feel a lot more confident—and that starts with how you get dressed. “Make sure you’re going to be physically comfortable,” she tells SELF. “People react to your body language first and your words second or third, so it’s important to be comfortable.”
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