Welcome to Asking for a Friend, an advice column that helps you make sense of your messiest, most complicated friendship moments. Each month, clinical psychologist Miriam Kirmayer, PhD, will answer readers’ burning—and anonymous—questions. Got one of your own? Ask Dr. Miriam here.
Dear Dr. Miriam,
Years ago, I had a bad falling out with a former friend from high school. At a recent reunion, I found out that she’s been telling almost everyone our personal business while leaving out key details, especially the stuff she did to me. What’s worse, she’s sharing this one-sided and false narrative with people she’s not even close to.
It really bothers me that people might have an inaccurate perception of me, and I’m not sure what to do. Should I correct everyone and share the full story (even though it feels private)? Be the bigger person and stay silent even though that seems unfair for me? Or do I confront her directly? And if so, what’s the best way to do that when I know she strongly dislikes me and likely won’t empathize? —Reunited and It Feels…Not Good
Reunited and It Feels…Not Good,
Two words have recently made their way into (ahem, taken over) the cultural conversation about unmet expectations and relationship challenges: “Let them.” I want to introduce two more: So what?
I don’t ask this flippantly or rhetorically, but seriously. So what if your former friend is rehashing details about the past and your connection? So what if someone has an incorrect or incomplete understanding of the situation? What consequences are you specifically concerned about?
Maybe you’re worried that people will judge you (So what?), or that they won’t believe you (So what?), or that they’ll choose her side (So what?).
At the end of this train of inquiry, you might learn that you’re afraid of losing people close to you. Or that your reputation will be irreversibly damaged. Or maybe you fear that it will confirm a core belief like I’m unlovable, or no one likes me, or the world is an unsafe place. This “so what” exercise isn’t meant to minimize your fears, but to reveal them so that you can gauge their likelihood and choose how the “today you” wants to respond.
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