You might think you know your parents pretty well. Maybe your mom gets weirdly excited about Costco runs, or your dad’s the type to insist on getting to the airport five hours early “just in case.” But how much do you really know them? Like…who were they in their 20s? What did they stay up late dreaming about before becoming your parents?
When you’re young, it’s hard to imagine that your parents had full lives before you, complete with hopes, fears, mistakes, and life-changing memories. But once you’re grown, it usually gets easier to see them as more than just the ones who gave you rides or scolded you for sneaking out. That makes adulthood the perfect time to get to know them not just as the parents who raised you, but as real people too, Ciara Bogdanovic, LMFT, owner and founder at Sagebrush Psychotherapy in Los Angeles, tells SELF. “And since we no longer rely on them for our every need, [this shift] creates space for an adult-to-adult relationship to form,” Bogdanovic explains.
Still, it’s not always easy to get to know them, especially if you’ve never had these types of conversations or weren’t super tight to begin with. Getting closer to someone doesn’t happen overnight, which is why having a few thoughtful questions to ask your parents can be a great way to open the door to more meaningful chats, Aaron Gilbert, LICSW, founder of Boston Evening Therapy Associates, tells SELF. For example, what did they do for fun when they were your age? How was it raising you and watching you grow into who you are today? “If we can be curious about who our parents are as individuals, we can form a more complete picture of their personhood and hopefully find understanding, appreciation, and empathy for them,” Gilbert says.
Keep reading for a list of questions to ask your parents—some lighthearted, some profound, all perfect for getting to know them better.
If you want to get a better sense of their life outside of work or parenting
- What do you look forward to at the end of the day?
- Who’s your best friend right now? How’d you meet?
- What’s the last meal or restaurant you really loved—and should we try it together sometime?
- When you’re not working or doing family stuff, what do you do just for yourself?
- What’s something new you’ve tried or started doing lately? Any stress-relieving activities? A new sport? Something creative?
- Is there a book, show, or movie you’ve loved recently? Why do you like it so much?
- Besides us, who do you call or text most? What do you guys talk about?
- How do you usually meet new people these days?
- What would you say your biggest life or family values are right now?
If you’re up for a trip back to their younger years
10. What was your social life like in school?
11. Who were you the closest to in your family growing up?
12. What kind of fashion trends or styles were you into as a teen?
13. Who were the most popular artists or celebrities when you were growing up?
14. What hobbies did you have as a kid? Did you participate in any activities?
15. What was your favorite class in school—and your least favorite?
16. What was your first job? What’d you learn from it?
17. What did you get in trouble for most when you were younger?
18. Did you have a childhood pet you really loved? What do you remember about the day you got them?
19. Where’s your favorite city you’ve lived in? What made it better than the other places?
20. Did you take any memorable vacations growing up? Anywhere you’ve always want to return to?
21. If you could change one thing about how you were raised, what would it be?
22. Who was someone you looked up to when you were my age?
23. If you could go back and have any job you want, what would it be?
If you’re curious about how they pictured family life before it became real
24. What’s the biggest relationship lesson you’ve learned? How’d you learn it?
25. How many kids did you think you’d have?
26. Have you become more like your parents as you’ve gotten older? In what ways?
27. What kind of parent did you think you’d be before you actually became one?
28. Did you feel “ready” to be a parent? Why or why not?
29. What names were you considering before choosing mine?
30. What’s a piece of advice from your parents that you still think about?
31. Looking back, what’s something about parenting you wish you’d known earlier?
If you’re ready to get nostalgic and sentimental about your relationship
32. What was the hardest part about raising me?
33. What’s the best part about being a parent?
34. What are some traditions in our family that are meaningful to you?
35. What’s your favorite memory of the two of us?
36. In the future, what activities would you like to do more of together?
37. What moment or experience of mine made you feel the most proud? What do you remember about it?
38. What’s your favorite way to bond with me?
39. Is there anything you wish I knew about you? What is it?
40. What do you think we’ve misunderstood about each other over the years?
41. What parts of yourself do you see most in me?
42. What’s your biggest hope for my future?
43. Do you have any regrets about how you raised me? What would you have done differently?
44. How do you see yourself in the next five or 10 years?
45. What would you like to still learn, experience, or try?
46. What’s something you wish you had more time for?
47. What do you hope to be remembered for?
48. Do you ever think about what you want your next chapter to look like? Tell me about it.
49. What does “success” mean or look like to you now?
50. Is there anything you’re still trying to figure out about yourself?
—for free.
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