As frustrating as these comments can be, they don’t always come from a bad place, Tawwab points out. Still, that doesn’t make them any less intrusive—or exhausting to deal with. Over time, constant input on your choices and lifestyle can start to feel like a lack of trust or respect for your decisions.
What to do: For one, you can “control the information that’s shared,” Tawwab suggests—meaning, if you know they’ll have a lot to say about switching careers, for instance, consider sparing the details of your interview processes. The less they know, the less they can weigh in.
That said, “letting [your in-law] know that it’s an issue is also really important,” she adds, because a person can’t change hurtful actions if they don’t realize they’re a problem. Try a “we” or “I” statement like, “Actually, we’re on top of our financial budget and already have a strategy we’re comfortable with” or “I’ve done a lot of planning regarding what I want for my future, but I appreciate your input.” Ideally, anyone who truly wants the best for you will honor your wishes. And if their input continues to be dismissive or disrespectful? Well, that brings us to our next section.
3. The one who constantly disrespects you.
It’s one thing for an in-law to have opinions—it’s another when they start resembling outright disrespect. After you just had a baby, your mother-in-law keeps insulting your body. As soon as you mention your job, your father-in-law is quick to downplay your achievements and chime in about getting a “real” or “better” one.
Some in-laws may be more subtle with their put-downs. Instead, they might drop sneaky jabs (“It must be nice to have the luxury to focus on things like that”), snide remarks (“Wow, I can’t believe you’re still doing XYZ”), or other passive-aggressiveness that leaves you feeling inadequate.
What to do: “When that happens, speak up and make it clear that those comments aren’t welcome and won’t be tolerated,” Morin says. In some situations, addressing it right then and there will feel most appropriate. For subtle, backhanded digs, a simple “What did you mean by that?” can prompt them to rephrase their thoughts more kindly. As for more direct, mean ones, try a calm but firm “I” statement like “I’d appreciate it if you didn’t make those kinds of comments.”
This is also something worth bringing up to your partner. But instead of going straight into “I can’t stand your mom!” or “Your dad is such a condescending jerk,” Morin recommends focusing on the action: “I feel undermined when they talk about my career like that” or “I was hurt when they criticized my appearance again.” From there, you can discuss the best way forward—whether that involves your SO having a serious 1:1 with their parent, arranging a group discussion as a trio, or, if the disrespect continues, limiting your interactions to group settings only.
4. The one who undermines your partner.
It can be really hard to stay quiet when you spot your partner putting up with their family’s toxic behaviors, Tawwab says. For instance, maybe their mother guilt-trips them any time they try to make an independent decision. Or their dad constantly belittles them under the guise of “constructive criticism.”
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