None of that means that one life path is “better” than the other—you’re both just going in different directions, and sometimes, certain people don’t make the journey with you.
3. The relationship feels increasingly one-sided.
Friendships are a two-way street, meaning if one person stops putting in effort, it’s near impossible for the connection to stay alive. “Maybe you believe your pal isn’t invested or available enough, so you decide to prioritize other relationships,” Epstein says. “Or you’re the one who’s backing away despite their repeated efforts.”
To figure out if you’re in a one-sided friendship, take a moment to reflect on your overall dynamic. As you scroll through your texts, for instance, is only one of you initiating the conversation each time—or is there a fair back-and-forth? Is one person doing all the venting, while the other listens with little support in return? Either way, Epstein says a major imbalance in effort is a pretty clear indicator that your dynamic may not be as mutual as it once was (or should be).
4. You’re no longer willing to talk through any issues.
Even the strongest friendships hit rough patches, and getting past them is hard work. It takes mutual effort, time, and emotional investment—all things you may gladly put in for the loved ones you want in your life, but probably not for someone you’re subconsciously ready to let go of.
“When friends talk through these obstacles, it shows they’re still invested and willing to see their way to the other side,” Epstein explains. That’s why it’s a red flag if either (or both) decide a tough—but much-needed—conversation is no longer worth it. For example, maybe your BFF won’t give you an answer about why they’re ghosting you, no matter how much you beg and plead for a heart-to-heart. Or instead of addressing how their constant digs get under your skin, you’d rather pull back. “If two friends can no longer talk through it, or have lost the desire to, that’s when the relationship may be ending,” Epstein says.
5. You don’t really miss them or feel motivated to reach out.
Sure, there will be moments when talking to even your favorite people is too much to bear—whether you’re in a bad mood, overwhelmed with work, or just socially drained. For the most part, though, reaching out to your close buddies should feel effortless. Naturally, you want to check in about how their holiday break was, say, or make plans to hang IRL because you enjoy their company.
When a friendship has run its course, however, “you’ll feel resigned rather than excited,” Epstein says. Instead of eagerly calling them back, for instance—or at least looking forward to when you can—you might add it to the growing list of obligations you’ll begrudgingly “get to later.” Or maybe something big happens in your life (a promotion at work, a new whirlwind relationship perhaps) and it doesn’t even cross your mind to share the good news with them.
So, what if you did outgrow a friendship?
It’s understandable if you relate to this growing ambivalence. But if your old pal seemingly isn’t on the same page, it might be time to figure out how to handle things gracefully. “If it’s not a close dynamic, slow-ghosting may be the way to go. Eventually, they’ll get the message that the friendship isn’t what they thought it was,” Dr. Degges-White says.
For formerly tight bonds, though, “it can be worth trying to talk about where you are in life, maybe by scheduling one last get-together and sharing the changes you’ve experienced.” It might be a tough convo to have, but Dr. Degges-White recommends spelling it out: “While you value their friendship, life has just taken a different turn and you’re not as available as you had been.”
And if the disinterest feels mutual? That, Dr. Degges-White says, could be your cue to let things naturally fade. (At least for now. Who knows—life has a funny way of bringing people back together down the line.) Simply put, some friendships aren’t meant to last, in which case, she says it’s perfectly okay to let go when it no longer feels right.
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