After a really crappy day, sometimes the best medicine is unloading all my pent-up frustration onto anyone willing to listen. I can go on and on about a rude interaction at the DMV, a stubborn food stain on my favorite white pants, or whatever else has me on edge. And honestly, complaining can feel so good that it’s almost…addictive.
It’s no secret that venting has some legit mental health benefits. “When stress and agitation are brewing inside us, it’s important to find a release, get support, and move forward,” Ingrid Helander, LMFT, a couples therapist based in West Hartford, Connecticut, tells SELF. But in my experience, I don’t always feel much better after popping off. In fact, sometimes I end up more riled up than I started.
So I wasn’t surprised to learn that blowing off steam doesn’t guarantee relief—and in certain cases, it can actually be counterproductive. According to Helander, constantly complaining can just breed more negativity. Not to mention, turning every minor inconvenience into a griping spree will likely strain your relationships too, she adds.
To help you determine whether your mini tirades are doing more harm than good, we asked therapists to lay out the biggest signs that complaining is dragging you (and your loved ones) down—instead of providing the cathartic release you were hoping for.
1. You feel even worse than before.
Obviously, whining for half an hour won’t fix your problems. According to Helander, though, a productive complaining session can help you feel validated or inspire you to come up with an action plan. At the very least, it should give you that satisfying “ah, I’m glad I finally got that off my chest” feeling that allows you to move on with your day.
But if you find that lamenting leaves you in an even worse mood—you’re more angry, annoyed, and overwhelmed—it’s worth asking yourself: What was the point? Because after putting up with an irritating situation (or person), you probably want to lift your spirits and clear your head, not spiral deeper into negativity, Helandar says. And that brings us to our next red flag….
2. You resist every helpful suggestion or solution.
Look, sometimes we just need to be pissed and talk a little shit. It’s easier to say “this sucks” than to deal with an overwhelming workload, for example, or a flaky friend who keeps canceling at the last minute.
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