I don’t want to admit this, but I have a history of comparing my success to that of my friends. But this is a fool’s errand—I am a freelance writer and, for whatever reason, many of my friends are lawyers and consultants. They’re busy climbing the corporate ladder while I’m over here writing my little stories at home.
Despite knowing better, I’ve fallen into a terrible trap where I often look at their milestones—promotions, job titles, pay raises—and then at my own trajectory and think, why the hell aren’t I getting those things? I then arrive at the awful conclusion that it’s because I’m not doing as well as they are. As you can imagine, this has been not-great for my self-esteem.
According to Sanam Hafeez, PsyD, a neuropsychologist and the director of Comprehend The Mind in New York, we all—at some point, in some way—compare ourselves to others. “It’s built into our DNA,” she tells SELF. “We are concerned about how the world sees us.” We look to others—their jobs, family life, vacations—as a measure or guide of how we’re getting along. While that’s not inherently a bad thing, research shows, doing so often triggers shame, envy, and resentment—especially if you’re on social media where everything is distorted and everyone appears to be killing it.
If you constantly weigh your worth and question your progress, stick with me. I worked with my therapist to put this bad habit to rest and can finally say it’s possible to stop unnecessarily beating yourself up. Below, Dr. Hafeez shares three simple tricks—alongside some of my own insights—that’ll help you stop glamorizing other people’s lives and be more grateful for what you’ve got going on.
Reflect on what comparison makes you feel.
Before you can change how comparison affects you, it helps to understand what you’re actually feeling. Dr. Hafeez recommends getting familiar with the emotions and thoughts that surface when you compare your success to others’. The answer might seem obvious—uh, I’m just jealous!—but digging deeper could uncover frustration, shame, inferiority, or other surprising reactions. Identifying these feelings—and accepting them without judgment—is often the first step in processing them in a healthier way. Research even shows that naming your emotions (a technique called affect labeling) can reduce their intensity and make them easier to manage.
Once you know what you’re feeling, Dr. Hafeez recommends asking yourself why. You might assume you’re envious of a friend’s achievements, but the real issue could be insecurity with your own trajectory or pressure from family expectations. Maybe you grew up hearing an older sibling beat themselves up about falling behind, and that mindset stuck with you. Or perhaps you’re burnt out, unfulfilled, or worried you’re not on the “right” path. According to Dr. Hafeez, comparison often isn’t really about other people—it’s about how satisfied (or unsatisfied) you are with your own life. “Other people just hold up a mirror,” she says.
Of course, not every comparison is a deep emotional wound. Sometimes, you simply know what you want and feel impatient watching others get there first. If that’s the case, this step might not need much of your time—just a quick check-in before moving on to the next tip.
Take note of your own successes.
A huge issue I have when I get sucked into the self-comparison vortex is that I completely overlook my own achievements—a self-sabotaging practice that causes me to think I’m behind in life. But the truth is that I have grown and advanced my career, even if my path has looked wildly different from my friends’ journeys. This brings us to Dr. Hafeez’s second tip: Think about the good you might be dismissing when you evaluate other people’s accolades. “You may not have what others have, but you have other things,” says Dr. Hafeez.
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