That’s not to say you always need a noble purpose. Maybe you’re out for intel about a person you barely know out of curiosity or admiration—which, sure, is kind of nosy, but it’s not nearly as hurtful as, say, talking smack about an easy target to make them look bad or deflect attention from your own insecurities. The point is, a little intention can encourage you to think twice before gossiping, Helander says, and prevent your conversation from slipping into cruel, purposeless trash talk.
2. Choose your confidante wisely.
You heard so-and-so aren’t friends anymore—and you’re dying to tell anyone. Or that one pal ruined girls’ night out with their sloppy, drunk antics, and you can’t keep it to yourself. Ideally, you’d skip the gossip. But if you must indulge, it’s at least better to share your commentary with someone who will keep your conversation private and offer a balanced perspective, not just stir the pot.
Too often, “we complain to someone just because they’re easy to complain to,” Helander says. Whether it’s a scandal-obsessed pal who lives for the chaos or a group of coworkers you’re hoping to impress with juicy intel, choosing the wrong confidante can turn your confession into unnecessary drama.
If you’re dying to get the details of two high school sweethearts’ unexpected divorce off your chest, a close hometown bestie who you trust won’t blab is probably a better choice than, say, an oversharing acquaintance you barely know. Or maybe your sister’s the kind of person who can let you rant (and call you out when you’re doing too much) without throwing in any harsh judgment or critical jabs.
3. Focus on the behavior, not their character.
Saying “he’s so desperate” or “she’s so annoying” comes across as harsh and judgmental. Instead, both experts agree your gossip is less likely to cross into cruel territory when you keep it focused on what they did—not who they are.
That might look like calling out someone’s inconsiderate actions (“It’s pretty shocking that she wore such a pale pink dress to her own best friend’s wedding”) without attacking their entire character or making assumptions (“She’s so desperate for attention—it was basically white, and she knew it!”). Or you can pop off about your coworker’s passive-aggressive tendencies (“He kept interrupting me during the meeting, and it pissed me off!”) instead of labeling them a “total narcissist.” “It’s about pinpointing the action versus slandering the person and defining them by one behavior,” Tristan says—which helps keep your gossip more surface-level, neutral, and less targeted.
4. Put a time cap on your gab sessions.
Some of us could easily spend an entire brunch or late-night phone call rehashing hours of “he said…then she said…”—which, as Tristan points out, isn’t the most valuable use of your time. So one simple way to avoid going on and on (and on) is setting a time limit, as SELF previously reported.
No, you don’t have to use a literal stopwatch. What we mean is just mentally capping your gossip sesh (though if an actual timer helps, feel free). For instance, give yourself until your appetizers arrive to talk about that mutual friend who keeps getting back with their cheating ex. Or spill the juicy tidbits you’re dying to let out (“Did you see XYZ lost their job? I wonder what happened”), then move on. The key is being aware of how long you’re lingering on someone else’s life. When that’s the only thing you and your loved ones can bond over, it won’t bring you closer to each other—it’ll simply create a cycle of petty judgment.
5. Don’t share screenshots.
Circulating screenshots of messages and social media posts has become second nature for some folks, but it’s a pretty unhealthy habit worth breaking for a few reasons, Helander says. For one, inviting others to weigh in on a private conversation is a major breach of trust. Even if you’re just hoping for a neutral party to interpret a confusing message, “the act of sharing screenshots leaves everyone vulnerable to having them seen or shared again,” she points out.
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