That said, there’s a difference between someone sharing their own similar experience as a means to bond or relate to you…and bringing it up only to “prove” they’ve done it bigger or better. How do you tell the difference? According to Baker, “if they’re genuinely excited for you and just trying to connect, they’ll typically still acknowledge what you’ve said”—for instance, “Wow, that’s so exciting!” or “Ugh, that sounds frustrating”—before getting into their story. “The red flag is when they just jump straight into talking about their experience, as if you haven’t said anything at all” she explains.
4. They copy your every move.
Whatever you’re into, suddenly they have to be, too (except they have to be better, of course). If you mention that your next big goal in life is going to graduate school, next thing you know, they’re all about applying as well (even though they never cared until you brought it up). You take up a new hobby (like running, say, or pickleball) and now, they’re into that, too.
In these cases, it’s not about shared interests or feelings of inspiration (since yes, friends naturally influence each other). It’s like they’re following your lead only because it’s something you’re pursuing—and then using you as a measuring stick to see if they’re ahead or behind. And this fixation with coming out on top goes beyond run-of-the-mill comparisons, Baker says, and enters more toxic territory.
5. They try to sabotage you or make you look bad.
Competitive behaviors are often “a byproduct of jealousy or envy,” according to Dr. Degges-White: “When we see someone achieving something we aspire to, it may trigger our own insecurities.”
In some situations, that jealousy might drive a competitive friend to purposely exclude you or “forget” to invite you to group plans if they’re worried you’ll get more attention than they will. Essentially, it’s an attempt to stay in control of how they’re perceived by others in comparison to you. “They might even try to actively sabotage your success,” she adds—like discouraging you from accepting your dream job if they feel stuck in their own career, or pushing you to break up with your partner over a minor disagreement, especially if they’re single and quietly envious of your romantic success.
How to deal with jealous, competitive friends
According to both therapists, you don’t have to automatically cut them off. However, reflecting on a few things can help you figure out the best decision for your particular friendship.
For starters, consider if any of the warning signs above are anomalies or part of a more consistent pattern. “If spending time with this person leaves you burnt out, exhausts your energy, or you’re constantly fearing how their competitive behavior is going to show up,” Baker says these can also be indicators that this dynamic isn’t good for your well-being.
It’s also worth paying attention to how they react when you do bring up your concerns. Don’t match their petty behavior or hit them with, “You’re jealous of me, aren’t you???” Instead, both experts recommend opening the conversation with a more empathetic “I” statement such as, “Sometimes, I feel like our friendship is more about head-to-head competition than mutual support. Do you ever feel that way, too?”
How they respond can reveal a lot about whether their toxic behavior can be changed, whether they take responsibility and truly listen to you…or once again downplay your emotions. After all, a true pal should be all about growing and winning together—and there’s no place for an ugly rivalry when you’re supposed to be on the same team.
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